Yearning For Humanity
by madelinesticks
Summary: Steam Powered Giraffe fic. A loooong(ish) fic wherein The Spine feels uncomfortable within his own (titanium alloy) skin.


The Spine sat on the floor, knees drawn up to his chest as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. Silver. Silver skin and black lips and green eyes that were too bright and unnatural.  
His fingers were silver, painted fingernails black. He gave a soft sigh, shifting his position. What a freak he was.  
Even for an automaton, he supposed. He stood and went to the wardrobe, carefully removing his wrapped box.  
He settled cross-legged before the mirror and began to apply make-up, well-practised in the actions and applying it swiftly and with skill. Within forty minutes, a human face was on the automaton stood before him, and with gloves and a better buttoned shirt, a human.  
The Spine smiled a little, feeling blessed by his realistic tongue and teeth, and at how easily the pale pink colouring covered the black of his lips. He adjusted his wig, ensuring none of the silver below was visible, and that he looked human enough.  
He put the make-up away, leaving out only the wipes that assisted in removing it. He pulled on his coat and carefully moved out of his room, taking a less-used path out to the grounds to ensure no one saw him.  
He returned at two a.m. after dancing with many a woman, somehow feeling all the worse for it.  
He cursed when he found Annie must have locked the sidedoor, and rather than go in through the entrance hall he moved to the workshop's emergency exit. He dipped in, keeping his head down as he moved to the lift.  
He froze as he heard someone on the stairs, frantically pressing the button on the old thing.  
"Hell-lo?" Rabbit had stopped on the stairs, cautious.  
"It's just me, pal, don't worry!" The Spine called back, clenching and unclenching his painted hands, needing the doors to open. Rabbit's feet sped on the stairs, and The Spine swore.  
He threw himself into the lift and slammed the floor number, sagging in relief when the doors snapped shut before Rabbit got through the shop and to the elevator.  
The Spine ran as fast as he could to his bedroom, slamming his door behind him and quickly pushing the bolt across.  
He slowed to take off his shirt and clean away the peach paint, from both his hands and his face. It was as he pulled on pyjama pants that he heard the tentative knock on the door.  
Hatchworth was stepping nervously from foot to foot in the doorway. "Y-you're home." He mumbled. "I asked Rabbit but- he was angry. I had the nightmare again.  
The Spine frowned. Hatchworth had had these nightmares a few times now, of being thrown back into the vault. "C'mon in, pal." The Spine murmured, pulling his deskchair over to the bed so that he could sit across from his brother.  
Hatchworth settled carefully on the edge of the bed. The Spine sat in his chair and leaned forwards, murmuring, "Tell me about it."  
Hatchworth did, stammering over some of his words. The Spine was happy to listen.  
Well. Not happy to - Hatchworth's nightmares were never pleasant listening - but it was his duty.  
The Spine got twenty minutes after Hatchworth retired to his own room (which was admittedly more of a cupboard), Brianna appeared. She was sobbing with her phone in her hand, and The Spine pulled her half into his lap as she cried. A friend of hers, another engineer, had had an accident in the lab. He wasn't expected to survive the night. Brianna exhausted herself with her tears, dropping off still in the automaton's lap.  
The Spine kept awake so that he could comfort her if she woke again. From the morning, where she mumbled apologies he refused with murmurs that it was okay  
The day was busy. The Spine did not catch any time to rest, and was glitching some after 38 hours of continuous running he was having issues. He attempted to hide himself away in his room, but he was continuously bothered and pestered to come and fix various things. Only after 50 hours of running did he manage to retire, and powered down for ten hours straight.  
Even when he woke, he was still a little glitchy, but that could not be helped. In those days, Rabbit had avoided him, but at breakfast, he sat across from The Spine at the kitchen table.  
Rabbit never sat at the kitchen table.  
"How come ya ran away from me th-th'other day?" Rabbit asked, a whinging note to his voice.  
"I was tired, Rabbit, I needed rest. I'd been working down in the shop, fixing some grammatical errors in Peter's type-ups." Peter VI was a genius of engineering, though his summaries, even with his computer's spellcheck, left much to be desired.  
Rabbit scowled: apparently he didn't buy it. The Spine made the effort to hold in the puff of nervous steam he wanted to release.  
"You weren't ta begin with 'cause me and Paige was down there." The Spine shrugged.  
"I was wanderin'. You know I don't leave the Manor without permission, Rabbit."  
"If I find a fake moustache-" The Spine forced an eyeroll.  
"Please, Rabbit, I'd never." He murmured, giving a forced snort. Rabbit just huffed and let him be again, storming from the kitchen to go and sulk. The Spine drummed his fingers on the table for a few minutes, still fingering over the paper he'd gotten half way through. With a soft sigh, he set it aside, moving to go and find Brianna and assist her in whatever duties she had left to complete.  
Going out as a human helped The Spine relax, usually: it made him feel less of a complete freak. Of course, he could hardly do it often, as the other automatons would notice, and it was indeed against the rules. They weren't mean to leave the Manor without permission - The Spine's loophole was technically it wasn't him leaving.  
It was David that left the Manor, and The Spine stayed behind.  
But really, The Spine was completely aware it was immoral. He needed to keep up his "I obey the rules completely" act and no one would suspect him. That was all he needed.  
Peter Walter I had always expected him to be the straight man, the well-behaved automatonic child, and damn it, he did try to be. But he couldn't obey everyone, and nor did he have any wish to. The rules were created to keep the automatons safe, and The Spine was as safe as anything.  
No one knew, no one even suspected, except perhaps Mister Reed. The Spine was fairly certain he knew more than he let on, but then, that was how he felt about Michael most of the time.  
The Spine tried to relax around the Manor between shows for the next few weeks, quietly reading and getting on with study or with answering fanmail or with assisting the Walters in their business and work.  
He wanted to date again. He hadn't dated anyone since the last woman had broken away from him after four months of standing him, and that had been a good six months ago. The Spine liked companionship outside the Manor, and he struggled to make platonic friends.  
Sure, he could be charming in a bar, but he wasn't sure how to do friends. He knew how to do romance: he was well practised in wooing women and adored talking to them, loved his relationships with every one of them. And he did end up loving them. He always did, even though he knew they would likely end up dumping him soon enough.  
Rabbit didn't like it when he dated, but Rabbit didn't really like anything that The Spine did when it didn't involve the elder automaton personally. Rabbit was generally not so much on top of the universe but wished to be the center.  
Hatchworth got a bit insecure, somehow convinced that The Spine was going to get married and move halfway across the world (Hatchworth's fears grew more irrational as the days went by), and The Jon had honestly never much cared. He'd always liked to meet them if they were "nice", but otherwise he didn't really care to have The Spine's love life affect him.  
The Spine thought for a little while, watching Brianna as she tinkered around the workshop.  
Paige and Rabbit had a thing going on. Even when he needed The Spine to pay attention to him continuously and got jealous if The Spine considered doing the same, they were dating. Paige adored Rabbit, and found his possessive nature somehow endearing, loving the way he'd pull her close at shows and conventions and, indeed, within the Manor itself.  
But The Spine could not date Brianna. He'd heard her talking to Paige, how she didn't know how one could date someone like Rabbit.  
Someone like Rabbit, someone like The Spine. He watched her with a somewhat unhappy expression, until she looked back and offered him a beam. He smiled back for her sake. Was Brianna a friend? The Spine didn't think so - she was somewhere between family and employee, but that wasn't a friend, was it?  
The Spine sighed to himself, carefully moving to stand. "If you've no need of me, Miss Clawson, I will retire to my room." He'd go out again tonight, maybe meet someone. He needed some sort of human distraction.  
"Uh, no, that's okay, The Spine!" Her smile was sweet and bright. "Though maybe you can call me Brianna?"  
"Of course, Miss Brianna." She giggled at that, but he wouldn't stoop to using her first name on their current standing. There was a matter of respect, and The Spine would keep to it regardless of what Rabbit tended to call the engineers (it tended to be a spew of profanity when one of them tried to get him down to the workshop).  
He went up to his room and swiftly changed. Tonight he would not wear human make-up: he never did to date a woman longterm. For dancing at night, for laughing over drinks, it was fine. But for something more? They would find out all too soon, and it was a fraud of sorts. Then, he supposed it was a fraud all the time, if a more comfortable one.  
The Spine returned within a fair few hours, a phone number in his pocket and a soft smile on his face. He moved quietly into the entrance hall - without the make-up he had no reason to sneak through the backways. He could easily claim he'd been out on the grounds for a walk.  
Brianna was standing in the entrance hall when he came in, carefully shutting the doors behind him. "Miss Clawson." He greeted softly. "I've just been out on th-"  
"Mister Walter is in the kitchen." Brianna mumbled, looking something short of terrified. "He's upset." Brianna barely ever called Peter V "Mister Walter". It was only when something expressly important was happening, and The Spine felt like the lead in his veins had run cold and stopped solid.  
Peter Walter was sat at the kitchen table. Before him was the theatrical case that held The Spine's make-up, and The Spine would have swallowed had he the capability. Annie stood behind him, expression somehow even scarier than Peter's own eyeless one.  
Rabbit and Hatchworth stood to the side, Hatchworth with hunched shoulders and an agonized expression, whereas Rabbit's took a forced casual pose The Spine knew all to well.  
Rabbit had ratted him out.  
The Spine stood in the doorway, eyes a little wide, hands clenched into shaking fists. Brianna padded in from behind him, slipping into a chair at the table and looking terrified.  
"Explain." Peter said in the lowest voice, and The Spine felt something pulse in his core. The Walters were all much different in appearance and manner, but when V got angry The Spine felt like he was acting a little boy in front of his Pappy again.  
"S-sir, I-" The Spine stopped short, lip quivering. "It's make up, sir."  
"It is. Flesh make up, pallid lipstick. You've got quite a lot here. Takes you a while?" Peter had forced a conversational tone that made The Spine want to hide in his room, but they wouldn't let him do that.  
"'Bout an hour, sir." The Spine answered. Peter's tone was thunderous in his next words.  
"Do you have /any/ idea what could have happened to you if you were caught?" Yes, of course he did. The Spine had run over awful possibilities a hundred thousand times.  
"I wasn't caught, sir, I-"  
"You could have been killed!" The Spine flinched backwards as Annie started. It was different from Peter, he'd half-raised him, but from Annie? "You could have been torn apart! And what if someone had taken you!? We would have no idea!"  
The Spine was shaking, steam rising in steady clouds from the side of his mouth. "I could have defende-"  
"And killed a bystander in the process?" The Spine went completely still, stricken. "Exactly." Annie spat.  
"Why?" Peter asked, now sounding far closer to exhausted then angry. He looked so confused, so upset, and The Spine's guilt quadrupled.  
"I- I-"  
"He wants ta be a human." Rabbit muttered bitterly. "Always has." The Spine looked down, shoulders tensing. "We ain't good enough for-"  
"That ain't it and you know it!" The Spine growled over the top of Rabbit. Rabbit froze a second, the flutter of shutters betraying his shock before he recovered.  
"Course it is! You don't wanna be wif us, you wanna be out with yer humans and yer women-"  
"Because Paige is obviously another robot." The Spine broke in over the top, and Hatchworth had to grab Rabbit by the back of the collar to stop him grappling The Spine to the floor.  
The Spine and Rabbit glared at each other, both quite literally fuming, until Peter slammed his hands down on the table.  
"I'm cutting off your allowance and getting rid of this." Peter said clearly, standing and indicating the make up. "The rules are in place for a reason, and you'll obey them. Go up to your room or the HOW, I don't want to see you."  
The Spine jerked at the words, feeling the stabbing pain in his chest at Peter's words. He'd never been able to take harsh words from V - V had been through enough without him adding to it. The Spine moved to turn and leave.  
"And no dates." Annie bit out. "No women from bars, whether you met them as a human or a robot." The Spine froze and, slowly, removed the phone number on its piece of scrap and dropped it in the bin without a word. He stripped once he got into his room, crawling into bed and staying there.  
He went into stasis for as long as he could, but it was four a.m. when a nervous knock came at his door. Hatchworth pushed it open with a shaky hand.  
"The-The Spine, I had a nightmare again." He mumbled. The Spine stared at his brother, eyes glowing green in the dark.  
"Ask Rabbit." He said finally. "You're on the same side." He rolled back in his bed, pulling his pillow half over his head. He heard Hatchworth wait.  
"But- but, The Spi-"  
"Close the door behind you." Hatchworth gave a little sob as he did and ran down the hall. He wouldn't go to Rabbit: Rabbit had always been good to the boys for their nightmares, but he thought that the automatons should be like him and not talk about their own. The Spine expected it to give him satisfaction, but he only felt worse for knowing he'd upset Hatchy.  
He went back into stasis, frown keeping on his face even as his shutters closed. The Spine spent the next week or so remaining hidden away in his bedroom, only leaving for water and an oil top-up. Paige would go quiet when The Spine was around, likely because Rabbit had fed her some cock-and-bull story about what The Spine had said, and the Walters were mostly cold on him.  
The Spine understood: he was a freak. They were hardly going to let him continue with it. Especially not when it could hurt the company or, less importantly (in The Spine's mind), himself.  
Brianna came to him after two weeks of sulking. She settled shyly on the end of his bed and watched him where he sat at his desk. He'd had a book in his hands, but he hadn't been truly reading it.  
"Does it make you feel better?" Brianna asked in the softest of voices. The Spine looked up from the blank gaze he'd fixed on the text in his hands, head tilting slightly to the side.  
"Peter I created me to mimic humanity as closely as possible. I feel more… Comfortable when I am perceived as such. It is difficult being an automaton, people treat you as a thing rather than a person. I want to be a person, and I don't- I don't look right." The Spine muttered the last words.  
Brianna looked unhappy. "You do. You look wonderful, The Spi-"  
"Miss Brianna, children run from me in the street." The Spine said simply. Brianna's mouth dropped open, and she clasped her hands in her lap and looked even more upset. The Spine felt new guilt for that.  
The Spine gave a little sigh, leaning and opening his desk drawer to produce an ashtray, a half-finished packet of cigarettes and a lighter from it. He quickly lit a column and brought it to his mouth, taking a slow drag as Brianna stared.  
"Would you care for one?"  
"No thank you." She said softly. "Does that help? Smoking, I mean?"  
"Yes, surprisingly." He dropped the lighter and the pack back in their place, only occasionally tapping the fag on the edge of the tray to remove excess ash. "Cigarettes were just getting popular when I started going out. Not in make up, ever, but as myself, of course." The Spine took another slow drag, the movement graceful and well-practised.  
"It was a good way to socialize. Now it's just… Become an association, a way to relax."  
"Do they know?" Brianna asked, slowly drawing her legs up to sit cross-legged on the edge of The Spine's bed.  
"The Walters, yeah. It's my allowance, they're normally okay with whatever I choose to spend it on. Chose." The Spine corrected himself automatically, leaning back in his chair and looking away. He looked a mess: he didn't wear his wig and only wore loose jeans without a shirt.  
It occurred to him that Brianna had probably never seen him wear jeans before.  
"Do the women make you feel better?" Brianna asked, her voice even more anxious. The automaton looked thoughtful, carefully stubbing out the butt of his cigarette.  
"Not as such." He murmured. "It's not about feeling better with them. It's just- a desire for companionship." Brianna nodded slowly. She opened her mouth and then closed it again, and The Spine watched her with a quizzical expression.  
"It doesn't last?" She asked finally.  
"No. No, I'm not a person. A novelty at first, but that wears off." There was no lingering bitterness to his tone. He'd understood for a long while.  
"You are a person." Brianna muttered. "Why not just- just date an engineer? Paige dates Rabbit." The Spine blinked his shutters, staring at the woman before him.  
"I- Are you asking me if-"  
"Yeah." Brianna mumbled. "Yeah, if you'd- if you'd want…?"  
"I would. Very much." The Spine murmured. Brianna stood from the bed, moving over to his office chair and leaning to press her lips to his cheek.  
She leaned further, so her mouth was against his ear, and said softly, "You're wonderful, you know. It doesn't matter that you're- you're not human enough. You're perfect in your own right." The Spine hesitated, but then he pulled her close, hugging her tightly.  
She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed a kiss to the top of his head, letting him hold her for as long as he needed. This was for a fair while, but that was okay.  
Brianna just wanted him as happy with himself as she was.


End file.
